So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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