There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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