I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
