you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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