the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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