In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
