I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So squirting runs in the family.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
