I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
