I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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