the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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