How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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