dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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