i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
