i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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