i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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