I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
