i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I would ride that face into the sunset
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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