Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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