you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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