I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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