Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
