dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
