his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
