so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
