Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I believe in your delicious
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
