she woke up with a sticky ear
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
