somebody snuck up and got me drunk
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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