Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
