It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
