I have demons in me.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
