I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
