Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
