Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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