I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
