It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
