Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
