btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Randomize
