There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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