I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
