in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
