I think i sorta joined a cult last night
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
