Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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