Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
