WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
