when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
