I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
