Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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