ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
