My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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