I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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