if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
