I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
