before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
there's paper in my vomit.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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