she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize