I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
