Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
