I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
