i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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