I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize