got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
