i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Randomize
