Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you will always have a special place in my vag
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
