Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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