Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
