dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
